All I’m Losing is Me


I’ve been “off” this year, a lot. I’m not sure that I can pinpoint the exact reasons, but I have noticed a building disquiet within. Although, I’m 1/3rd of the way through my 30’s, this doesn’t feel crisis-ish. I don’t want a newer car or younger man. I feel perfectly centered in my family and life, just not in my own skin.

I don’t do well with change. Necessary as it may be, change makes me anxious. I’m not only referring to big changes, such as the move to Texas or the upcoming move to our new home. Little changes can also cause me anxiety. People dropping by with little or no notice, last minute scheduled playdates, being called off, called in, or sent home early from work, Amelia starting a new nap schedule, all these things have been known to cause me anxiety to some degree. They don’t all send me into a tizzy, but too many at once and I start feeling a little like a cornered animal.

Now, lest you get the wrong idea, I’m not paralyzed by this anxiety. I am still able to do everything that’s required of me and I can adapt to situational change. I just don’t LIKE to. It’s something that is very much out of my comfort zone. And I’m wondering if the buildup of all that’s happened this year is what’s causing my uneasiness. Almost like the body’s ability, or inability rather, to process an overabundance of alcohol in a short amount of time. It feels like my psyche is no longer able to process all this change and I’ll soon be spewing neurosis all over the place.

This isn’t anything new for me. I don’t ever recall being a “go with the flow” type of person. Growing up my family life was fairly chaotic, with at least nine people in a house at any given time you can’t help but have chaos. My parents were always willing to be flexible, to take things as they come with an almost obstinate refusal to plan. They still live their lives in that manner. Visiting on a whim, going from place to place without any plans to settle down in one spot permanently. They must enjoy the excitement or rush of the unknown. They always clung to faith as their plan. Believing that “God will provide.” Taking my childhood into account, I’m pretty sure it’s textbook why I’m such an over-planning, control freak.

It’s been said that the first step to change is admitting there is a problem. If that’s the case, then there is no hope for me. I like being an over-planner. I like knowing the wheres, whens, whos, whats and hows of my adventures before setting out. I know Elijah would prefer a more casual, spontaneous, approach to life but I think he’s gotten around that by letting me plan everything and then being surprised once we get going. So far, up until this year, it has worked for me.

I think I’ll plan a change detox for next year. Starting January – no moving, no new babies, no new jobs, no crazy, unplanned, adventures of any kind. That may sound boring to you, but it sounds blissful to me. And I’m thinking it’s the only way for me to get back on track and start feeling like myself again.

4 Responses to All I’m Losing is Me
  1. JBSquared
    October 5, 2010 | 1:40 pm

    Just have to tell you – I love you. 🙂

  2. JBSquared
    October 5, 2010 | 1:40 pm

    Just have to tell you – I love you. 🙂

  3. justjulia
    October 5, 2010 | 4:00 pm

    i get it. i *really* get it. i have lived in my “exotic foreign locale” bursting w/culture and excitement–in the *same* zip code for 20 years. I thought this last year would kill me or Shuji or both of us. Circle your wagons girl, boring is bliss. (and I love you too.) : )

  4. justjulia
    October 5, 2010 | 4:00 pm

    i get it. i *really* get it. i have lived in my “exotic foreign locale” bursting w/culture and excitement–in the *same* zip code for 20 years. I thought this last year would kill me or Shuji or both of us. Circle your wagons girl, boring is bliss. (and I love you too.) : )