She’s Gonna Break Soon

I’m feeling “less than.”

That’s a common feeling for me these days. And I can’t help but wonder what the hell is wrong with me anyway?

Maybe it’s because I don’t know exactly what I’m expecting this blog to be. I’m not sure what to focus on. Me? The kids? Our home? I’m an avid reader of some truly amazing blogs and they all seem to have more focus than I do. I can’t help but think that it’s some sort of reflection on me as a person. Like I’m too scattered and always all over the place. I can’t focus and therefore THAT’S why I’m always feeling so out of whack. Like this blog has become a “mirror” of who I am as a person…too distracted by life to actually accomplish anything worthwhile.

Initially, I started to write because I LOVE to write. I wanted to put something meaningful out into the www universe and touch lives, inspire hope, or just give someone a laugh. More and more I feel like my entries are forced, like I’m trying to just get something out for a self inflicted deadline. I feel like I don’t have the time to really elaborate on my thoughts or ideas, therefore I’m not writing so much as posting.

It’s not that I don’t have the opportunity to put my thoughts down. Right now, Amelia and Asher are hanging out together, watching Elmo in Grouchland for the second time today. Dinner is ready, I’m enjoying my first beer of the evening, waiting for Elijah to come home and take over. It’s not like I don’t have little pockets of time to write, I just don’t know what to write about, or I just can’t get focused enough to actually get something meaningful out. I keep a list on my phone, ideas for blogging, but I haven’t “gotten around to” the good stuff yet, I guess. I don’t know.

Maybe I’m just feeling a little defeated. Maybe this is just another self serving entry. I have gotten pretty good at those lately! I just feel confused, and a little like I haven’t lived up to my potential.

Anyway, thanks for hanging in there…I am trying to get focused. Trying to get back on track. Hopefully, in the meantime, you’re enjoying the “fluff.”

6 Responses to She’s Gonna Break Soon
  1. Booyah's Momma
    January 17, 2011 | 9:18 pm

    I can really relate to this. Sometimes as I'm reading other blogs I'm just in awe about their writing. It makes me feel kind of silly for always writing about poop, throw-up and beer. Really, how deep is that?

    And I get the case about posting vs. writing. There are some memes I like to participate in, but sometimes I feel like I'm placing more emphasis on writing for that (and meeting a deadline) rather than what I'm inspired to write about those days.

    Clearly, I need some focus, because this comment is all over the place. But for what it's worth, I don't think you are fluffy at all.

  2. Booyah's Momma
    January 17, 2011 | 9:18 pm

    I can really relate to this. Sometimes as I'm reading other blogs I'm just in awe about their writing. It makes me feel kind of silly for always writing about poop, throw-up and beer. Really, how deep is that?

    And I get the case about posting vs. writing. There are some memes I like to participate in, but sometimes I feel like I'm placing more emphasis on writing for that (and meeting a deadline) rather than what I'm inspired to write about those days.

    Clearly, I need some focus, because this comment is all over the place. But for what it's worth, I don't think you are fluffy at all.

  3. justjulia
    January 18, 2011 | 4:58 am

    Don't feel “defeated” and NO, this is not “another self-serving entry”. I don't think you have ever had a truly “self-serving entry” (except for some of those “Friday I'm in Love” posts that make me smile ; )

    Your blog is not “scattered and all over the place”. If it were to focus just on one aspect of your life–say just your kids, or just your marriage it would be boring. And don't beat yourself up–we cannot all be like “Pioneer Woman”. I love reading what your write. It has variety. It shows that you are well-rounded and healthy. It shows that you love your husband, your kids–and usually yourself. And when you are not feeling loving thoughts toward yourself, it shows that you know your weaknesses and how you are determined to do better.

    Your blog is a good read now and with time, it will develop and grow, just like you are evolving and trying to become a better mother/wife/partner/writer. Good things are never easy and it is your lack of complacency that I admire.

    I see no “fluff” either. Just guts and a wonderful desire to be creative as well as great potential to be so. Hang in there, little sis.
    xx

  4. justjulia
    January 18, 2011 | 4:58 am

    Don't feel “defeated” and NO, this is not “another self-serving entry”. I don't think you have ever had a truly “self-serving entry” (except for some of those “Friday I'm in Love” posts that make me smile ; )

    Your blog is not “scattered and all over the place”. If it were to focus just on one aspect of your life–say just your kids, or just your marriage it would be boring. And don't beat yourself up–we cannot all be like “Pioneer Woman”. I love reading what your write. It has variety. It shows that you are well-rounded and healthy. It shows that you love your husband, your kids–and usually yourself. And when you are not feeling loving thoughts toward yourself, it shows that you know your weaknesses and how you are determined to do better.

    Your blog is a good read now and with time, it will develop and grow, just like you are evolving and trying to become a better mother/wife/partner/writer. Good things are never easy and it is your lack of complacency that I admire.

    I see no “fluff” either. Just guts and a wonderful desire to be creative as well as great potential to be so. Hang in there, little sis.
    xx

  5. Milk Maker
    January 21, 2011 | 1:55 pm

    I love your writing because it's always fresh and from a perspective so different than mine. Which is very appealing to me since my life is so boring. I like the variety you offer! And if you want to see scattered you should see my blog. :0)

  6. Milk Maker
    January 21, 2011 | 1:55 pm

    I love your writing because it's always fresh and from a perspective so different than mine. Which is very appealing to me since my life is so boring. I like the variety you offer! And if you want to see scattered you should see my blog. :0)